Hello Everyone,

This is my first official blog.

I have never blogged before, so here I go!!

I am sitting here on my couch reflecting on this past week, as it was full of emotional ups and downs. The reason for this roller coaster ride is that Ted and I have begun the process of adopting a child. In this blog and the ones to follow will be about our journey.

Week One: March 8th, 2010

Ted and I went to our intake interview and met with an adoption counsler. It was difficult for us, as we had to explain how we ended up at the agency. As most know, we have ended up on the path to adoption because our daughter Gigi died 2 1/2 years ago when she was only 16 days old. Gigi's story is and will always be bitter sweet. Sweet, as we got to know and love her and make a lifetime of memories with her in those 16 days of life. Bitter, well it's obvious, as she died. Infertility treatments were no longer a viable option for me. Cheated!!!

During our meeting with the adoption counsler, we were informed that the next step was to take an Adoption 101 class. To our surprise this particular class was being taught on Saturday, March 13th. Ted and I decided to take the class, as the next one was a month away. The class started on 8:30 am and ended at 4:30 pm. What a long day!!!! We received a lot of information, some we already knew, some we had never thought about before. One thing, however, was the intensity in the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Imagine a room full of people as anxious as we are for a baby!! YIKES!!!

Week Two:

Paper work, Paper work, Paper work, insurmountable paper work. OMG!! Where do you start!! Let me tell you!!! First, you fill out the official application for the adoption process. Secondly, you answer a set of 17 questions (most have 3 parts to them). All very personal!!! Thirdly, you fill out a balance sheet stating your yearly income and listing your debts. Lastly, you sign the document 'Parent's Rights and 'Responsibility and the 'Adoption Service Agreement'. Do not bother to ask how many pages those 2 documents have!!!!!

Week Three:

Ted and I are still working on answering the questioins that I mentioned in Week 2. I am not surprised, however, that it is taking this much time. The questions are personal and thought provoking. One question ask 'Have you ever been in a situation where you were the minority and if so how did you feel?' ' How would you teach your child to respond in the same situation?' Catch my drift!!! We are hoping that we will have these questions answered by the beginning of next week.

Not having the questions answered has caused me to feel anxious, angry and sad. I am feeling these emotions, as all Ted and I want is to be parents again. How many more obstacles are we going to have placed in our path to having another baby? Will we ever be graced with the gift of another child? How long do we have to wait? Will a birth mother want to give us her baby because my age. These are all questions that do not have answers. I want answers to these questions!!!!! I TRULY want them!!

Week Four: Ted and I finally finished filling out the required paper work for the adoption agency. As I stated in Week 2 there were 3 parts to almost all of the questions, so essentially it was 45 questions we answered. Ted, however, is still working on our balance sheet and the agency will not schedule our interview without that document. I spoke to our adoption specialist and she said as of now she is not available until May 19th. My heart sunk, as it seems we are always waiting. I get so sick of waiting!!!

The waiting is unbearable! It makes me so angry! Ted and I just want another child!! As I think about this process, I am reminded as to why we are on this path. Gigi is dead, she is gone and she will never come back. I want to know why, but there is no answer to this question. I believe this question is one of many that makes the death of a child so hard. You constantly ask your self "Why us, what did we do?" "Why did this happen to us, why are we the statistics"? The 'why' part just constantly eats at you. All you want to know is 'Why, Why, Why? I wish with all my heart that there was an answer to the 'Why". Some people have told us that it is God's will and how lucky we are to have an angel in heaven. My response has and will always be "really", because I would rather have Gigi with us than in heaven. I do not want people to console me, because there is NO answer to this question!!!!

Having had said all of the above, do not get me wrong, as Ted and I have always wanted to adopt, but also thought we would have had our own children too. Oh well, such is life!!!

Week Five: Ted still has not finished filling out the balance sheet, as the agency requires so much documentation as proof as to what we put down on the document. I hope he gets done by Friday.

I am beginning to feel very anxious and sad, as Gigi's birthday is May 15th and her death date is May 31st. The feelings of depression and anxiety always ramp up as these dates approach. I cannot believe it is going to be 3 years and cannot believe how deep the grief continues to be.

Today I found out someone I know had a healthy baby girl. I am so happy for her, but I am so jealous and angry! Everytime, I find out someone had a baby, I feel so angry over why did Gigi have to die!! Why my baby? Why she couuld not live? I also feel very depressed. I begin to think, that I do not care if I live or die, as the pain is overwhelming. I want the pain to go away, but it won't. I absoultely have no control over it, which is so frustrating. I excercise 5 times a week, go out with friends and work on The Peapod Project, but nothing distracts me from my grief. I want to push it into the back of my mind, but the grief always stays front and center. It constantly gnaws at me everyday. This is my new life since Gigi died, it is my new norm. The only thing I can do is to continue to find healthy ways to navigate this crazy new life!!!

Week Six: Ted did it!!! The financials are done. I am going to fax them to the adoption agency. The next step is waiting to hear from our adoption counselor for our interview. This interview begins phase one of our home study. More waiting!!!

This past week I spoke to a group of 50 nurses and social workers at a perinatal loss seminar sponsored by NorthWestern Memorial Hospital. Ted usually does it too, but was in Montreal on business, so I went solo. The purpose of the seminar is for the nurses and social workers to hear first hand from parents who have lost a baby. I always love doing these seminars, as it gives me another opportunity to speak about Gigi and I love speaking about Gigi. In fact, I love writing her name!!! It is like chicken soup for the soul!! You are probably wondering why Ted and I do these seminars. First, it gives us an opportunity to talk about her, by remembering those 16 precious days of life. It is also very emotional as it brings back that one horrible day that changed Ted and I's lives forever. Talking about Gigi is also important to us, as it validates her existence, that she was here and that she was truly loved by her Mom, Dad, family and friends. I mention Gigi's existence because one of Ted and mine biggest fear is that people will forget about her. Secondly, we believe the sharing of our story will really help other families who will find themselves in the same tragic situation. During the telling of Gigi's story, we talk about how we felt about the 1st time we walked into the NICU, how terrifying it was to see a tiny baby hooked up to so many machines, with so many wires, etc. We explained to the hospital staff how it would be helpful if they could prepare the family for what they are about to see (as much as one could be prepared). We also told the staff it would be helpful to explain to the family what each of the machines mointor.

I have to come back tomorrow and finish this blog, as I cannot do it right now!! Sorry!!

Week Seven: Sorry, that I did not come back and blog the following day in week six.

Gigi's birthday is May 15th and her death date is May 31st. This time of the year is most unbearable. I do not know why I am always shocked as to how much it hurts still and how terrified I am. The pain and despair I feel is exactly like it was those 16 days of her life. I relive all of those days, one by one. I still do not know how I got through those days, as they seem so surreal, like it was someone else's life. Sometimes, I wish that I could give my pain away for just one day, so I can feel once again what is like to not be so sad all the time. Everything in my life is pre Gigi and post Gigi. I cannot believe this is my life!

I do have one piece of happy news!! Ted and I begin our home study on May 17th!!

Week Eight: Ted and I meet with our adoption counselor on May 17th. I believe this meeting starts phase one of the home study.

Today is Gigi's birthday and she would have been 3 years old. I miss her so desparately. My whole being is in pain and it is days like today, that I wish I could sleep for the remainder of May. I feel like I am not going to make it through the day, as I am so deeply sadden.

Week Nine: Ted and I went to our second interview this past Monday. As you would imagine, lots & lots of questions. Some of the questions asked:

-What did we think of the Adoption 101 class, specifically the excercises?

- What our thoughts are on open adoptions?

Ted and I are for open adoptions. We strongly believe that the child should know they are adopted. We also believe if our child wants to meet their birth mother, they should be able to do so. We are also willing to send cards, pictures, emails and conversations on the phone, etc. However, there was one family who spoke at the Adoption 101 class about their relationship with their birth mother. This particular birth mother was very involved with the adoptive family's life. The adoptive family sees her all the time, she visits them weekly, spends holidays with them and talks to the birth mother daily.

Ted and I talked about this type of relatioinship and it is too invasive for us. We do not think we could handle that much involvement. I personally am afraid that the agency might not accept us as clients. We'll see.

Our counselor mentioned at the end of the interview, that they agency has never worked with an individual my age. We do not know what to make of that statement. I guess it is just one person's opinion and I must believe that someone will want us to raise their child.

I wish we could afford surrogacy, as age does not matter. I also wish someone would step up and say here is the money, go and get your baby. Ted and I have had no such luck. I have been paralyzed with fear and grief. The grief comes from missing Gigi and wondering why did she have to die. Her death is just not fair (Gigi's death date is May 31st). I do not know if I could survive the rest of my life without another child. I just cannot picture Ted and I's future with out a family. I do not know where I could get that much strength from. I am so exhausted from the grief of Gigi and so fearful of a life with out a baby.

Week 10: Well, I was right. The Cradle did not accept us as clients. Ted and I are devasted by this news. The timing could not have been worse, as the anniversary of Gigi's death was just a few days away. We also wondered why they waited so long, as we were already 10 weeks in to the process. The reason they gave us was that we were not open enough to their philosophy of open adoption. Ted and I believe that we are open (see week 9). We feel that Dana our adoption counselor did not like us at all. Ted and I never felt comfortable with her, as she definitely was not the warm and fuzzy type like one would expect for an adoption counselor. Ted asked Dana if my age was also a deciding factor. Dana's supervisor said "no we have a lot of couples who are your age". I find this comment funny, as Dana told Ted and I on several occassions that we should consider my age as a factor. In fact one time she said that "the birth mothers are young". She further stated "to remember how we felt about people my age when we were young". I do not know about you, but to us that was insulting. Ted and I do believe my age was a factor, but the Cradle cannot say that, as that is age discrimination. Here is the thing, we as invivduals should never ignore our instincts, as we did. We should have asked right away for a new counselor. The moral of this story is do not wait if you do not have a good feeling from your assigned adoption counselor. Go with your gut instinct!!!

Ted and I have not spoken about what to do next. We have been avoiding having this conversation, as I know I am scared. Sometimes, I do not know if I can handle the ups and downs of adoption. Ted and I have already been on an emotional roller coaster with IVF treatments that I did for eight years before conceiving Gigi and then she dies 16 days later. I do not know if I have the strength anymore, as I am so tired of being knocked down and having to get up again and try, try, try! As I have stated before, I wish someone would step up and say here is the money, go get your baby.

June 17th, 2010: Ted and I finally made our decision today. We have decided that adoption is not for us, as we were never truly comfortable with proccess. What made us uncomfortable was that an agency gets to decide if we are worthy of a child or not over such a short period of time. That one individual gets to make a life altering decision based on their personal opinion of us as potential parents. Ted and I also feel as though there is too much red tape. Couples who have to choose an alternative method of having a family should not have to face that much difficulty.

Ted and I decided that surrogacy suits us best. We do not feel we could handle all of the ups and downs of adoption, as we already did this for 8 years of having to do IVF treatments. The experience we had with ARR was pleasant and felt very comfortable, very right. We will have to wait till mid Feburary to start the proccess again, but we are o.k. with this. Ted and I figured that the adoption proccess would probably take 6 months any way by the time we found another adoption agency, fill out paper work again, start our famly biography and complete 2 phases of home study. We further decided to enjoy our summer and know that we do have a light at the end of the tunnel.

June 23rd, 2010: Feeling anxious today. I know that Ted and I made the right decision to pursue surrogacy, but January seems so so far away! I get so afraid that we will never have another child.

I am also hurt by some comments that people made to me this past week. I find it difficult to have others judge me, as I believe most of us do. I know that these comments were made with good intentions, but that does not mean that they do not hurt me. I am so tired of people asking me if I am sure if I want another child at my age. I am so tired of people questioning my emotional capactity to have another child. I am also so tired of people telling me that I need to move forward, especially if I have another child, so that child does not have to live in the shadow of Gigi's memory.

I am going to address each of these comments:

-Ted and I have no doubts or questions about my capabilities of being a mother again at my age. I am healthy and of sound mind. We also believe that my age will not have a negative effect on our child, as age is a state of mind. It is society's prejudice that older women should not be mothers. Most of society takes the stance that older mothers will not be around to see their children grow up. I disagree as a mother whose child died at 16 days of age. Children are gifts from god. You do not get a certificate stating that your child will out live you!!!

-I am sane! I know that it is difficult for some to believe this of me, as I feel very hopeless some days, especially when Ted and I think we are getting closer to having another child only to get knocked down. Getting knocked down has been our life for the last 10 years and I believe that it takes an incrediblely strong person to continue to pick themselves up and keep plowing through life.

-There is no guide book that tells parents how to move forward when their child dies. I do, however, know that there are books written by other parents who have lost a child and in these books no advice is given. The only thing these books offer are letting you know that you are not insane, as your feelings are normal and is experienced by all parents who have lost a child. If Ted and I are lucky enough to have another child rest assured that child will not live in Gigi's shadow. I strongly believe that we will be like most parents who have the capacity to love more than one child.

Remember that it is not our place to judge others, especially if we do not want to be judged our selves.

July 19th, 2010: Sorry, I have not been blogging, as I am still wrapping my head around the Cradle declining us as clients. I continue to be anxious about surrogacy as January seems so far away. I lie awake sometimes at night, wondering if the surrogacy will really happen. I become so afraid that is not going to happen, that Ted and I will never have another child.

I have been very busy with the upcoming 3rd Annual Memorial 5K Walk/Run!! It is, however, a good busy! I love putting together Gigi's race, as it is an opportunity for Ted and I to actively parent Gigi. What wonderful feeling!!!

July 27, 2010: I continue to be busy with the upcoming race. I actually cannot believe that it is just around the corner. YIKES!! In fact, Ted and I are being filmed today for our segment about The Peapod Project for the Kenmore Live Studio event with Whole Food on August 20th.

I continue to feel as though January will never come. I want to shelf the date and hope that time goes by much more quickly, but I am unable to do so. I do, however, keep myself busy all day long, but the thought always remains front and center. I am glad that I continue to be in therapy, as if I were not I would truly think I was going insane. My therapist has to constantly remind me that my feelings are normal for a woman who has lost child and is still trying to have another one, but I feel so hopeless at times. I just wish my precious Gigi had not died!!!

August 4, 2010: I am really upset today!!! Ted and I are short $3000 for the upcoming race on August 28th. I will be devestated if Gigi's race had to be canceled. Childrens is no longer able to fund us anymore, so the entire finances falls on Ted and me. We have already personally put in $5000. I do not know what to do!!! Help!!!

August 12, 2010: I am so pleased to tell everyone that the race is on!! I cannot tell you how closeThe Peapod Project was to cancelling the race. I, however, have an amazing friend, Jenny Brown who at the last minute did the impossible, she found us a corporate sponsor!! Guaranteed Rate, who she works for, convinced her boss to save us. Miracles do happen!! Not only is Guaranteed Rate going to sponsor this year's race, but is going to donate $10,000 for next year's race as our sole sponsor. No worries for next year!! Gigi's race is on!!!!

August 31st, 2010: I am sorry for not blogging these past few weeks. I was very busy pulling the race together, as there was so many last minute details due to the fact the race was almost canceled. I did, however, pull it off!!! We had a beautiful day!! I was disappointed by the lack of participants this year, as we had 125 more participants at last year's race. I believe it was the triathlon. I was unaware of the triathlon, when I picked the date earlier in the year. I now know that I have to not only check dates of races before ours, but races that follow! UGH!!! I am so upset! I was touched by those who did come, as those participants really believe in The Peapod Project's cause and for that I am eternally grateful.

I find myself being very sad! I always do after Gigi's race. It is like preparing for Christmas. You shop, you cook, you decorate your house and have family and friends coming and going during the time leading up to and the day of Christmas, them bam it is over!!!! No more planning, no more family and friends. My heart is hurting so badly! I do not feel like getting up out of bed, I do not want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide under something and disappear. Do not mis-understand me, my heart soars to know that The Peapod Project is able to help so many other familes. I just get so angry that Gigi died. All significant dates tear me in to pieces!! I just want her back and I know that is never going to happen!!

September 13, 2010: I continue to be sad! I have not been able to shake off the depression since Gigi's race. I know that I will bounce back and get out of this funk, just do not know when.

I believe part of the sadness is the race is not growing at the pace I want it to. I wish someone would give me a platform to explain the importantance of supporting and fundingThe Peapod Project. Here are some of the following reasons:

1. Our memory keepsake boxes include supplies and tools for families to collect memories of their children.

2. We provide resources for parents after their loss, such as how to plan a funeral.

3. We provide education for the medical staff on how to interact and approach families who have children that are dying. (i.e., explaining the medical equipment, as it is frightening to see your child hooked up to all those machines and how to approach and suggest the memory keepsake boxes).

4. We provide resources for sibilings who have lost a brother or sister.

5. We provide resources for family and friends. ( i.e., on how they can support the family during and after their loss).

The Peapod Project needs funds to grow beyond our current reach at Children's Memorial Hospital, as their are many local and state wide hospitals who do not have the means or funds for such a program as ours. Personally, I find this to be unconscionable, as I could not imagine my life with out memories of Gigi!!!

September 22, 2010: The other day, I was thinking how life can be so strange, as we never know how it will turn out. I also was reminiscing about my childhood, my teen years, my twenties ( you get my point). Back then, I fantasized about my future, who would I be, finding a husband, getting married and having children. I never thought for one minute that I would grow up, have a hard time getting pregnant and then lose my baby. This scenario was not on my radar. I did not think about these things! Why would I? I lived in the moment as most of us did during those years. Do not get me wrong, I had my fair share of troubles, but I was thinking about all the wonderful things that will come to me. I took for granted that I would have a healthy baby. What I did not realize, but I certainly do now, is that so many things have to go right to have a healthy baby. Babies are gifts! Life is strange!

October 8, 2010: Ted and I went to NYC this past weekend!! We had such a great time! It has been quite a while since I have been able to say that! Cool right? Ted and I stayed the entire time in Soho, which happens to be my favorite part of the city.

Back to reality! I have been a little upset that Halloween is almost here. Feel cheated! I think this year, I would have had Gigi dressed as a kitty cat!!! I can only imagine how much fun it would have been. I miss Princess Peapod!!!

October 15, 2010: I am having a really good week. I started working out with a trainer again. Man, she has been kicking my butt. Ted and I are going out to dinner with friends this Saturday at Macku!! I am really looking forward to some conversation and some drinks!!!!!

October 22, 2010: This has been a difficult week for me, as I have had a very hard time falling sleep even with my sleeping medication. I was lying awake thinking about the day Gigi died. I specifically was thinking about the meeting we had with all the doctors that day. I cleary rememberTed, my mother and I walking into a room and all of the doctors were sitting in a circle. I think all us knew in our hearts that the conversation we were about to have was going to be bad. I remember listening to all of them, then Dr. Collins (Gigi's head doctor) said that "Gigi was not compatiable with life". I responded saying "I don't understand" and Dr. Collins said again "she is not compatibale with life". I sat there for a moment and then started screaming and crying. Night after night, I would lie awake and play this scene out in my mind. This would be the last thought I would have before falling asleep.

November 2, 2010: I had a pretty fun Halloween. I went over to a friends house who has 3 children ranging in ages from 18 months to 5 years of age. Ted and I promised them we would come over and decorate their house and boy did we!!! First, we put up cob webs and spiders on the front porch, then carved pumpkins, made ghosts, and made rats out of black construction paper. We placed the rats on the wall next to the stair case, so the rats would look like they were running up the stairs. Decorating with girls was a great success!!! I truly did have fun. I did, however, think about Gigi and how my husband and I would have done these activities with her.

I found out this past Thursday that a good friend of ours wife is 4 1/2 months pregnant. As always, I get upset, not that I am not happy for him, but that I get so angry, jealous and envious because I am unable to conceive.

There is always something that upsets a parent who has lost a child. If it is not someone you know who is pregnant, it is the holiday season, a birthday, a death date, seeing children playing in a park, a mother pushing a baby stroller, etc. You get the idea! I cannot even go to a grocery store or restaurnat without seeing happy parents or be with my family and Ted's family and not hear the joy and pride they all have for their children. The aforementioned are some of the reasons why the depth of the grief is so over whelming and why there is no getting over the death of a child, as there is always something.

November 12, 2010: This week was a really bad one! I had someone say the most evil and hurtful things I have ever heard about why Gigi died. This individual's intent was to hurt me as badly as they could and let's say "Mission Accomplished". I do not know how to explain why they said what they said, as it is complicated and a much too long of a story. I cannot even make myself write what was said. I tried to put it out of mind, by telling myself that words can only hurt if you give them power over you. I know this logically, but have been unable to do so. I know this person must be a very angry and misearble individual, but I really do not care, as I am unable to ever forgive them for what they said. How can any one individual say something that evil to a mother who has lost her baby is beyond my comprehension. I have cut off all ties with this individual's family, as they apple does not fall far from the tree. I hope there is really is such a thing as karma, so that their own awful comments come back to them in some shape or form. May god forgive this individual.

December 1, 2010: I know it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog, but as I wrote in my previous one someone said something very unbelieveably hurtful to me. I found out that this persons words profoundly did affect me and those words put me into a deep depression over the last 2 weeks. I know that I should have not allowed this person's words to hurt me, but it was about my baby girl, Gigi. I am a mother whose child has died, but it does not mean that I will not go to any lengths to protect her and her name. She is my daughter and no one and I mean no one will be allowed to dishonor her life. Gigi is everything to me and I miss her so much. Too bad this person does not know how fierce a mother's love is for her children.

Thanksgiving day was actually a fun day for Ted and me. We spent it with 2 other couples who we happen to be very close to over the past 14 years. It was a safe place for us, as we did not have to pretend we were not sad. Of course, we ate and drank too much, but all in all it was good times.

December 15, 2010: I am so full of anger today! I am angry that Gigi would have been three years old and would have known who santa is and would have been so excited that Santa left her all those presents. I am angry because I will not get the joy of seeing her smile and her joy as she opens her presents. I am angry because I will not be able to put her in the most beautiful dress. I am back to "WHY". Why did this happen to Ted and me? Why did Gigi die? Why are we one of the families who have to suffer through the Christmas and all other holidays. When will we be able to find joy again in holidays? Will we ever? I know that I hope with all my heart that Ted and I do! I do not know any thing right now expect that I am so angry that our daughter will never know the joy of Christmas!

January 4, 2011: Whew!!! The holidays are over and once again I have survived. I freely admit that I always feel I will not to survive the holiday season. The holidays are so hard, as it is the commericials, the music, the holiday movies, all the happy families, etc, and mostly that Gigi was not here to experience any of these magical moments with her daddy and me.

A person in my family said something to my husband during this holiday season. The comment was "it has been 3 years". The 3 years refer to how long it has been since Gigi died. This comment angers me! I would seriously like for this indvidual to tell me exactly how they want me to act and then tell me what their time line is as to when I should be moving on. I always find this so hurtful. I know this individual has not lost their child and for that matter anyone who makes this dumb comment has not either, which leads me to my point. Why in the hell would anyone who has not lost a child make a comment about how and when I should stop grieving my child. If you have not had the experinece, please do not make or suggest anything to me ever unless it is to support me. I need people to let me talk about Gigi, cry about Gigi and tell me it is o.k. for me to feel bad and it is o.k. for me to cry. Please respect me and my feelings!!!

January 19, 2011: I have been doing a lot better these last couple of weeks. I believe it is due to the fact that the holidays are over. Every year since Gigi died, starting with the middle of January to mid April, I feel much happier, a period of respid. I still think of her daily and feel sad, but not to the degree of how depressed I become starting with April, as it is Easter and it is also the weeks leading up to Gigi's birthday and death date (May). It continues through the summer, as it is these months which lead up to The Peapod Project's annual 5K Walk/Run. I then get another period of respid from September to November. As I am sure you must have concluded, is that from November to mid January begins the period of the feelings of deeper loss and anger. It is so because of the unfairness of not having Gigi here to share all of these family orientated holidays and events. I am, however, going to enjoy this period of respid. I have earned it!!!!

January 28, 2011: I had a bit of a rough couple of weeks. I swear to god, every time we get close to pursuing surrogacy something or someone comes along and snatches it right out of our hands. I have said before it is disappointment after disappointment, as we have been on this path to have another child going on 4 years. When will this sorrowful journey end? Will we ever get another baby? Sometimes I think it is going to take a miracle. Miracle anyone?

February 14, 2011: Yesterday, I read in the ChicagoTribune that a mother/woman became a surrogate for her daughter and was able to conceive at the age of 61 and deliver a healthy child. This story has made me really sad and nervous. In fact, last night I was up till 3:00 am, just lying there thinking and trying so hard to understand why something like that does not happen to me. Why, won't someone help me. It is always the 'whys' that tear me into shreds. Why did Gigi die? Why was I not able to conceive again? Why adoption did not work for us? Why is surrogracy so expensive? Why can't I have a miracle? Why, Why, Why!!!

March 6th, 2011: Feel really tired today. I am exhausted, as my brain is working over time thinking about surrogacy. Ted has saved quite a bit of money. My hope is that with our tax return, plus his bonus this month that we will be able to start surrogacy or be really close to the amount of money we need to begin the process. One can only hope, right!

Ted and I have added another resource to The PPP this year. We believe this to be the logical conclusion of what we do at The PPP. It too is based on our own personal expereince. Drum roll, please!!! We are going to provide no interest loans to families who cannot afford to have another child the traditional way. Like us, they are so many families who do not have the financial means to pursue either infertility treatments, adoption or surrogacy. Ted and I have been saving money to have another child for three years now. We have had no offer of help from family, cannot due to current economic conditions take out a second mortgage, nor get a personal bank loan. Not fair, huh! I know we are suffering and can only imagine how other families must be suffering too. Our hope is to have a large enough fund, so we can provide these no interest loans to as many families as is humanly possible. We would love someday to be able to give money away to certain families who are in dire straits. Lets hope this year's fundraising will be our biggest yet!!!!!!

March 16, 2011: Lately, I have been wondering if people are reading my blog. I hope so, but writing my blog has been very theraputic for me.

Good news! Ted and I have saved quite a bit of money to go toward surrogacy. Bad News! It is a third of what we need to start the proccess. Once again, the carrot is dangling in front of me, but I cannot seem to reach it. This seems to be the story of life since Gigi died. I wish with all my heart that this was not the case.

April 5th, 2011: I am beginning to get busy with The PPP's upcoming fundraising events. Our first event is our Casino Night on June 9th at Citizen in River North. Last years event was a huge success and was so much fun. I know from last years comments that those who did attend stated they would be back next year. I am going to keep my fingers crossed!!!! The big event is of course the 5K Walk/Run in Lincoln Park. We are currently and carefully picking the race date. I cannot believe this years' race will be our 4th annual. Crazy!

Gigi's birthday and death date is upon me. Her birthday is May 15th and death date is May 31st. At this time every year, I become very emotional. I am deeply sad, I am angry and I want to just sleep till June 1st. I want the answer to "why my baby", but will not get any satisficatiory answer ever to that question, frustration begins to mount and starts to smother me. My heart hurts so much! I mean it truly physically hurts as does my stomach. I feel like I cannot take full breaths-anxiety. I am crying right now as I write this blog. I am having a hard time sleeping. All of the aforemention feelings will not subside until June. God, this is so not fair. Why did you pick Gigi? I am still very angry with God and sometimes I do not believe he exist. I cannot understand a God who would make a couple who desparetly wanted children go through 8 years of infertility then get pregnant only to have their baby die after 16 days of life.

April 13, 2011: Yesterday, I had the opportunity to speak for the 5th time on behalf of Northwestern Hospital Perinatal Loss Program to a group of nurses of all disciplines. It was a really great seminar, as the nurses asked a lot of geninue heart felt questions on how to be better at helping bereaved parents. I believe the parent panel has a huge impact on the nurses who attend these seminars, as you can read all you want about a subject matter and attend lectures, but there is nothing like hearing first hand from the bereaved parents. My hope always is that the nurses who attend walk away knowing that they become part of our lifetime memories of our children.

I continue to become more depressed as Gigi's birthday and death date get close. I feel tired all the time. I want to sleep! Every little thing seems impossible to do, as it takes so much effort to get through the days now. I want to sleep.

May 2, 2011: Gigi's birthday is in 13 days! I am feeling very depressed and anxious as the day draws near. There is a great sadness in our home.

Ted and I had a proffessional perinatal loss photograher take pictures of us with Gigi during her very brief life, as way of documenting her life/existence, proof that she was here and that her mother, father, family, friends loved her deeply and that she mattered to a lot of people . A couple of months after Gigi died, I called the photographer to set up a time and place where we could meet so that I could pick up the photos from him. I remember the day vividly as it was a very strange day. I recall that I wanted those pictures desparately, that I needed to have everything of Gigi's. I also remember being so afraid of actually getting them and then having to look at those photos. My reason for being so afraid is that these photos were of Gigi on her last day of her very precious life. As I walked toward the photographer, I felt as though the sidewalk was crumbling beneath my feet, as though I could not plant my feet firmly on the ground. Somehow I managed to get to him and get Gigi's photos. I walked back to the car and drove home. I did not look at those photos until my next therapy session, as I knew that looking at them would require a safe and supportive place. I cried more than anyone will ever know, but I also smiled! I bring this matter up because there were 4 photos I did not want to pick up on that strange day. These 4 photos were taken the moment Gigi was taken off the respirator. The actual photos of her dying. I am sure you are wondering "why the hell would I want those pictures ever". Well, I did not until now 3 years later. I again contacted the photographer and asked him to send those last 4 photos of Gigi. I am sure you are asking again "Why in the hell would I want those pictures, ever". As I wrote in the beginning of this paragraph, I want everything of Gigi. I need to have everything and anything she has ever been in or in contact with, it is just that simple.

What was not simple was my reaction to those photos. I am not sure how I excepted myself to react to them, I knew I would cry, as why wouldn't I cry. I was completely blown away. I was devasted, I was crushed, I was terrified and shaken to my very being of existence. The photos of Gigi dying are so tragic, as you could see the pain and agony in my face as I watched her die. Gigi, however, looks peaceful and beautiful in these photos. That moment, those 4 photos were the last photos taken of her, as we then asked the photographer to leave. I now have everything!

July 7, 2011: I cannot believe the last time I blogged it was May 2nd. What I can believe is that there is no one reading my blog. My blog has been and will continue to be my place to write down in my own words how I am feeling about everything in my life. Hmmm! Life! Here it comes! It is always very difficult getting through May. I hate May and I especially hate Memorial Day Weekend, as it is the weekend Gigi died.

All in all I hate May!! Get it!! I hate May!!! On May 31st, the death date of Gigi, I got a phone call from an old friend. It was nice hearing from someone from my hometown in Arizona. I will not go into specifics, because our conversation is still on going. I can and will tell you that our conversation gave me a glimmer of hope. The hope of what, I do not know!

I am finding it difficult to write without giving this conversation away. I am frustrated. I want to have faith, I want to believe in something much bigger than myself. I want to believe this conversation happened on the death date of Gigi because it was destiny, it was fate. Fate, really fate.

July 30, 2011: I am having a really bad day. I miss Gigi so much! I hate this kind of day, as I am always just moments away from crying. I also feel so empty, lifeless and hopeless. It does not help either that I want another child and we still are not even close to having enough money for surrogacy.

I am also feeling very hurt. I found out through my brother, that my mother and sister gave my oldest sister money to get her teeth fix. I know that my sister deserves to have her teeth fix, but I have been crying my eyes out for 4 years, telling my mom and sister at different times how desparately Ted and I want another child. My mom nor my sister ever offered to assist us financially to have another baby. Do you know how sad and depressed this makes me feel. I am beside myself with grief. I have to mention, though they have helped us prior to Gigi's death. In fact, we would have never had Gigi without my mom or my sister and brother-in-law. I guess I am having a hard time seeing this situation from their perspectives. I do not understand!!! I want to, but cannot. I feel so offended. How is my sister's teeth more important than helping Ted and I have another child. What I mean to say is, if they had that kind of money to give my oldest sister, than the certainly over the last 4 years could have offered us that money to have our baby. I am probably missing something that would make this situation make sense to me. I do not know, but I do know that I am so tired of being hurt and feeling hurt.

September 27th, 2011: I feel badly that it has been two months since I have last blogged. I have not blogged because there have been many things going on in my life. For starters, my July 7th post referred to a conversation I had with an old highschool friend. My highschool friend told me that one of her neighbors wants to give her baby boy up for adoption, as she had no means for caring for the child. I reacted with guarded optimism, but it was not too long before I let myself dream about how wonderful it would be to have another child. I am only human. The conversations went back and forth for over a month. It never happened. The girl never told the biological father about the baby. As soon as he found out he decided he would keep his baby. Ted and I were devasted. One moment we were hopeful and then the next moment we were shattered. The story of our lives, up, down, up down.

A week after this adoption fell through, I got a call from a differnt friend who knew someone who wanted to give up her twin babies up for adoption. Once again, Ted and I felt hopeful. Emails and conversations were going very well, as the parents were very touched by Gigi's story. One day I received an email from the mother asking me to call her, so I did to only find out that her and her husband decided on another couple in the state of Idaho. I was crushed as was Ted. Ted and I like to think that the reason we were not chosen was because of our geographical location. The parents to be live in Neveda and they wanted an open adoption, that is they wanted an option to be able to see their babies at least once a year. If you know your geography, you know that Idaho is right above Neveda. The story of our lives, up, down, up down.

In between these two failed attempts adoption there was one birght light - The Peapod Project's 4th Annual 5K. This year's race was put on by Guaranteed Rate, our first corporate sponsor. The race name was and will continue to be, The Guaranteed Rate's 5K Disco Dash. OMG!!! It was so much fun! I could not get over how many people dressed in disco outfits and then ran in them. It was truly priceless!!! It was a huge success, as we had 700 runners!!!!! Ted and I were and continue to be blown away by how many people came out to run for The Peapod Project. Ted and I always blow the horn for the race to begin, as we did again for this year. I was thankful that I had my sunglasses on, as I started to cry when Ted blew the horn and the participants began running. I just stood there and the runners kept coming and coming and coming. What a moment it was for Gigi's mom and dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 17, 2011: Well, at least this time this entry has only been a month since my last one. No surprise here, that I am beginning to feel very depressed. As I have always stated, the holidays are extremely difficult. It starts with Halloween, as I wonder what would Gigi wear this year. I like to think that she would want to be a Disney princess. I do not know and I will never know and this is what makes me feel so sad.

Recently, I read an article in Vanity Fair about a mother who lost her daughter. This woman also lost her husband a few years before. Hiowever, in this article she writes that the experience of watching a sibiling or mate die is very acute pain, but nothing compares to the clutching choking nightmare that engulfs the one who is slowly berefit of a child. I was able to relate to this article, as I lost my father to cancer at 23 years of age. I was devasted at the loss of my father, but I too know that my grief of my father's death is completely different than my grief of my daughter. Another part of the article also rung true for me and that is the quotes by famous people on the subject of a child's death. For instance, Napoleon Bonaparte said "It is horrible to see oneself die without children". I believe he was saying that you have no legacy no one to give you mortality. The next quote really blew me away, as it is a quote by Euripides who said "What greater grief can there be for mortals than to see their children die. The woman who wrote the article said "When we talk about morality we are talking about our children". I think this is what causes my fear and grief is everything still to be lost until the day I die.

May 7th, 2012: It has been several months since I last blogged.  There are many reasons, however, I will list only a couple.  One of the reasons was that my poor computer caught a deadly virus. I am lucky my husband knows someone who was able to fix it, but when someone is doing it for free and on their own time it does take a lot longer to get back your computer.  Another reason was I was unable to save my blog. Once again someone we knew volunteered to fix this problem and again it was their own time and it was free.  So as you can see there were a lot of technical issues.

Currently I am working with the event planner from Guaranteed Rate, our corporate sponsor for our upcoming Disco Dash which will be held on June 21st, 2012 at Solider Field with a step off time of 6:30pm.  I am very excited, as we added a 10K and will be having DJ's at every water station so our runners can Boogie on down the running path. Cool!!! The after party will be held on the Stadium Green right next to Solider Field Stadium!!!!!!!!!!  YEAH!!!

On a somber note, Gigi's birthday is in 8 days.  I am never shocked on how much it still hurts. Why would it stop hurting?  I miss and think of her everyday.  Our baby died in our arms and that is my husband and I's reality.  Gigi would be 5 this year and I cannot help but wonder what she would be like, or wonder how much fun we would be having with her. Of course there would be a temper tantrum or 2!! I also wonder what books, movies, songs and dolls she would have liked.  I think of these things all the time.  I am going to stop writing now, as I am having a really bad Gigi day as is my husband, much sadness in this house today.